From your own lot...

B”H

The second posuk in this weeks Torah portion tells us exactly what kind of sacrifices we were able to bring to the Hashem. To be more specific, of all of the kosher animals, we’re allowed to bring just three: the ox, the goat and the sheep.

Recently I went through a little personal challenge that really resonated with me when I learned about the deeper meaning of this posuk. Without going into too many details, which are not so important, G-d handed me a challenge to help me appreciate myself more, where I am and where am I going … but I had to go a little bit out of the way to learn this lesson.

I always wonder why it is that people, myself included, crave that what we can’t have…

A common and silly example is girls with curly hair yearning for straight hair and girls with straight hair hoping for curly hair... Or in more complicated situations... people saying if only I was born to this and this family... if only I grew up there... if only I had this thing or that opportunity... THEN life would be perfect...

Just like the above examples, I myself wasn’t completely content with where I was. I was yearning for something else, something a little bit different. An opportunity presented itself that seemed to fill what I was looking for… and I perused it…

As soon as I arrived, I realized that something was off... Something wasn’t right... It just didn’t sit well with me being in the place that I thought was good for me... or at least that I thought would be a better fit for where I was in life. I kept trying to make it work however, and the harder I tried the more I saw that I just needed to go back “home.”

It’s funny, now that I’ve had time to reflect on the situation. Sometimes you really have to go outside of yourself to know who you are and where you belong. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that everything in life is for a reason. You can’t be where you are, and not appreciate it fully, so sometimes stepping outside of the situation that is best for you is what brings you back to the place you belong.

Who knows us better then G-d? After all, He created us; He put us into the world at this specific time and in a specific place… He made sure that everything around us the way it was supposed to be for us to reach our greatest potential and our greatest heights. And then He gave us the challenges to let us get there, because in order to be a part of the project, we have to put in some work as well.

Yet in the middle of the challenge, it’s often times hard to see how this challenge is exactly what you NEED at that point and time… It’s also hard to see that you have the tools to overcome it and its even harder to not blame it on the circumstances around you. If only this was different... if only I was in a different place... if only… then everything would be okay.

There is a story in the Gemura about a man named Eliezer ben Jordaya. He was a great rasha, a very wicket person. One of his biggest weaknesses was women, and he visited every prostitute in the land. One day as he was leaving the chambers of one of the prostitutes, she said that, “there would not be any teshuvah (repentance) for him.”

Her statement really struck a cord with Eliezer and he didn’t want her statement to be true. So he ran to the wilderness where he sat on a hill and asked the sun and the moon for help in his repentance, but the sun and the moon answered that they could not help him... then Eliezer turned to the hills and the valleys, and asked them for help, but they also could not help him... this went on until Eliezer realized that there was no where to turn but to himself. So he put his head in-between his legs and cried deeply from within for forgiveness…

At that point and time his soul expired. The greatest sage of the time commented on Eliezer’s repentance stating that Eliezer was able to achieve in one hour, that which the great sage has been trying to achieve his whole life.

Commentaries on this story point out that Eliezer wasn’t doing real teshuvah at first. By pointing to the sun and the moon, he was actually saying: if my environment and the place where I grew up were different then I could have been better… Similarly the hills and valleys represented his parents; if only I had a different family Eliezer said, then I would have been a better person. However, this also didn’t work. It was only when he looked deep inside and took ownership of his situation, agreeing that he could have made different choices given his circumstances that he was forgiven.

I sometimes get this image of the Jewish people as a whole… We are one body yet every single one of us has a specific task that we have to accomplish. Imagine a body, made up of million and millions of cells. Each cell has within the DNA, the code to do the work of every other cell, but for some reason each was placed in a certain location that maximized its work there.. The liver cells making up the liver cleansing the body, the brain cells making up the brain and the skin cells holding it all together. Yet one day, the liver cells decided that the brain had a much more important job, a cooler task. So they left the liver and went to try to be a brain… They had the DNA after all, they were able to do it… but they were fashioned to be the liver, so they weren’t as productive as before when they were doing the actual task at hand, and the body began to deteriorate.

As time went on, the liver cells say how much they were going outside of their nature, outside of them selves to do the work of the brain, and they understood that something was out of place… yes it may seen cooler to be a brain, but without a liver the brain can’t go very far itself..

Similarly each Jew is put into his specific situation and given a specific task to complete. And G-d, knowing this about us, when we can’t always see it clearly, gave us hints to act on it… By seeing where we come from, who we are, what are our talents and what are our challenges we get a much better picture of what we are needed for in this world… We can analyze and ask ourselves, am I the liver or am I the brain.

But this often times seems like a lot of work. And its often times hard… So we want to run away, go somewhere else, where it looks easier… and this is why it’s called a sacrifice. The ox, the goat and the sheep represent the domestic animals, the animals we already have in our backyard… People often times want to serve G-d from exotic places, extreme places, to far outside of themselves. But that’s not what G-d wants. G-d wants you to serve Him with what he gave you. To make sacrifices from your own lot.. To be the best you that you can be and overcome the challenges He gave you, not run out looking for your own.

I once read a daily dose from Rabbi Tzvi Freeman that said that which you are good at, you owe to the world, but that which you are challenged by, you owe to yourself… And I’m very lucky to have been given an opportunity to see this. I was experiencing a personal challenge and my first reaction was to run away from it… but when I really looked at what was going on, I realized that all I need to do was come back and put in a bit of work to really appreciate who I am, where I am and where I’m going… In the end, your own personal challenges are only there to help you grow…

A Chiar Can’t Stand on One Leg…

What does it mean to be a true leader? Does it mean to be better then everyone else around you at the task at hand? Maybe it means to be exceptionally intellectual, understanding the intricacies and details of the project in front of you? Or maybe it just requires that one is bigger and stronger then everyone around him and can push his way to the top?

In this weeks Torah portion, we learn that being a leader doesn’t involve any of the above qualifications at all. After being taken out of Egypt by the hand of Hashem, with Moshe as their righteous leader, the Jews none the less decided to build a golden calf. In a way, their intentions were some what understandable. Moshe told them that he would be back in forty days, and due to miscalculations they were slightly off. They didn’t want to replace Hashem, rather they wanted a new Moshe, a new leader that would connect them closer to Hashem, and idols was what they were most familiar with. A golden calf sounded like a logistically acceptable option.

So as Moshe is getting the tablets from Hashem on mount Sinai, the Jewish people are in the camp building and dancing with, rejoicing at their new god the golden calf. Hashem tells Moshe that you’re people aren’t doing so well down there, go and see what’s happening. When Moshe comes down, he see’s what the Jewish people have gotten themselves into and he walks into the middle of the camp, and breaks the tablets right in front of the people. The Gemara shows that Moshe was highly praised by Hashem for this act. “From where do we know that the Holy One, Blessed is He, agreed with him? And Reish Lakish goes on to explain that Hashem tells Moshe “ishar koach sheshebarta” Your strength shall be true, because you broke the Tablets!”

But one second, why is Hashem praising Moshe? These are the tablets made by G-d Himself. G-d’s marriage contract to the Jewish people, and Moshe has the hutzpah to take it into his own hands and break them? Even more so, to break them right in front of the people, couldn’t this set a bad example for the people? After all, G-d was Moshe’s Boss, and if Moshe defies the Holy One in such a way, does it mean that everyone else could do the same also?

One of the answers given is that when G-d made the tablets, they were so much of Himself that they only contained in the written Torah, the message directly from Hashem. But Hashem didn’t really want the Jewish people to only get the written Torah, rather He wanted them to get the oral Torah as well. If we only received the written Torah, then we would just be doing things because we were told to, in a makif surrounding type of way, but it wouldn’t penetrate us inside and we wouldn’t do things by choice. The oral Torah on the other hand, which came with the second set of tablets which Moshe carved out, gives us an opportunity to really get close to the commandments, to intellectually and emotionally internalize them. To struggle over trying to figure out what they mean to every individual. The Torah then becomes personal and meaningful to each and every Jew. Therefore Moshe acted on G-d’s accord and for this he is rewarded.

But this still doesn’t make so much sense. The Rebbe points out that if G-d really wanted to give us a way to internally connect to the Torah, then He could have done it with the first set. So is there a deeper reason? After breaking the Tablets Moshe went back to mount Sinai to plead for Hashem’s mercy on behalf of the Jewish people. At this point Hashem is pretty upset. Hashem tells Moshe, look at these people… they’re no good, let me just start over, I’ll wipe them out and I’ll start from you Moshe. After all, Moshe was on the mountain the whole time the people were making the calf; he had no part at all in this sin. He was completely in the clear. But Moshe was not so okay with this idea. And he replied to Hashem by stating, that if a chair on three legs is shaky, how much more so would a chair on one leg fall over? In other words the Jewish people came from three forefathers, Abraham, Isaac and Yakov and they made the calf, and if you rebuild the nation from just me, of coarse it would not be as strong. And with this statement, Hashem agreed.

This example, show’s much more so, why Moshe was praised by Hashem for breaking the tablets. When Moshe came down from the mountain, he really was holding the words of Hashem. Similarly, he was in the clear, being on the mountain and having no participation what so ever in the sin. Yet as he came down, he saw what the Jewish people were doing. And He knew that the contract he was holding in his hands between the Jewish people and Hashem would make the act of the Jews much more liable to punishment. Yet if he could walk into the middle of the camp, acknowledge that what the people were doing was wrong and then startle them, shake them up, show them their unjust path. But also to join them.

Moshe had no clue what would happened to him if he broke the tablets. They were made by G-d and he was sent to deliver them. Yet he chose to decrease the severity of the punishment on the people, allowing for himself to be open to G-d’s wrath. And this is what G-d was proud of Moshe for. G-d was proud that Moshe was a true leader. One that was willing to stand up for his people, to make himself vulnerable to protect his people. Moshe had immense self sacrifice on behalf of his people. When the Rebbe told this over at a farbrengen in crown height, tears rolled down his face. Being a leader doesn’t mean being the best, the brightest or the strongest, but rather it means being there for the people you are leading. Being a leader means being willing to sacrifice your own status and your own needs to help the people around you. For this you don’t even have to be in charge of a big operation or company, rather you can apply this to every aspect of your life, how you treat your family, your friends and others around you, because after all, you are the leader of your life.

The Cave

There was a time when civilization lived in the outer world
This world was beautiful, filled with unbound treasures
Yet as time went on, the conditions changed
And the treasures became too overwhelming to endure
So the civilization went seeking refuge, a place of safety
They found a cave, a cave that would keep them warm
And they went into the cave to dwell
But loving the world they used to know they told stories
Many, many stories about their old lives
Time continued to fly past them, but the stories lasted
Thousands of years went by, until the stories were all they had
Story, after story, after story
One day, a young boy, who only knew the stories of the old world
Decided that the stories weren't enough
There is truth in these stories, he thought to himself
So he searched deep within, do the stories make sense he asked
Do the stories of the outer world apply to my life in the cave
And with the help of those around him, he found meaning to each one
He applied each story to his life in the cave
As he continued to probe at the meaning and significance of each
He realized that there was a way to make life in the cave its own story
Sharing with those around him, he inspired others to make the stories their own
And all of sudden, the cave began to crack, the walls started to wither away
But the people inside weren't scared, rather they were ready
The stories prepared them to love the outer world
Day after day, as time went on, the cave deteriorated more and more
Big pieces of the wall started to fall away
The light from outside began shining brightly inside
People saw glimpses of the world in the stories, the world they once knew
Yet now, they were ready to experience it fully
Their vessels had developed enough through the stories
That the vast treasures of the outer world no longer scared them
Rather the treasures were now become a part of them
And so the people worked hard to find the way out of their cave
The way they once came in it, finding their way out
And as soon as the cave was no longer necessary, it simply disappeared.
From Tohu to Tikkun and into the World to Come.

Time To Write... Again..

B"H

I started this blog about four years ago when I had just began my journey of return. I wrote three things and then stepped away. I guess life got busy, or I got lazy... but I put my written expressions on hold. G-d Willing, as I sit in the Bais Midrash of Mayanot, (the seminary in Jerusalem where I am now studying) I can say I'm starting to express myself again.

It's okay, I hope, to get inspired and decide to take on something new. That's ulitmately what I wanted this blog to be when I first created it. A way to express myself and my journey. Even more so, I envisioned this blog to be a place where others who are going through a similar journey could come to to get a few words of inspiration or comment and inspire me. But I stopped sharring my writings, for almost four years. And that's not so okay, but it's not the end of the world.

A journey of return is not, at least for me, going to be 100% perfect. In the past three years I've found myself going forward three steps, back two and then doing it all over again. Only recently have I gotten better at taking things on that I know I can handle, and not beating up on myself when I don't take something on right away. But at the same time, I've noticed that I'm not going backwards so often anymore. Instead of three steps forward and two back, I'm taking one step forawrd at a time... and I'll do this four or five times, and then I'll take a step back. So for every four steps forward there is one back insteading of going back two steps for every three... Ultimately I find myself three steps ahead rather then just one.

My journey is not so fast, one day at a time. One step at a time. One Mitzvah at a time. But its also gotten a lot more peaceful. So as much as I think that it's not so great to start something and then just forget about it for four years, the real loss I believe is if you never pick it back up again. It's been a really long pause, but G-d Willing, I'm back. I can't promise how often, but I can truley try to be more consistent. Writing is an amazing tool. Writing abou Hashem is even more powerful. I hope that at this point and time I can get back to using this powerful tool as a means to connect with others going through the same thing.

Enjoy the past posts, and the future ones still to come.

Miricle in Everything

What if a miracle was always right in front of you?
Yes, Here! Now!
Every moment, Everything.
Every sight, perceived miraculously through your eyes.
Every touch, felt miraculously by your hand.
Every sound, traveling miraculously to your ear.
Every taste, soothing miraculously your mouth.
Every smell, given off miraculously to be engulfed by your nose.
What if everything was a miracle.
Every day, Every time.
What would a miracle be?
Would you be grateful for every moment?
Would you trust at all times?
Would it still require grandness to put you in awe?
What if miracles were always right around you?
What if at this moment they are?

Fire Of Heaven

A Response.

I cherish your friendship.
I cherish your support.
I cherish your bracha.

But you say you've never stood in my shoes.
You've never seen the cloud hanging over me.
How can you help?
How can you walk me through my troubles?

But maybe You already have.
You say You're there for me, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.
You say You'll always stop by to stay "Hello!"
You say You'll always stand by me and help me push MY boulders out of the way.
And I know that Your promises are genuine.

Now it is my turn to take Your hand.
I have everything You have given in front of myself.
It is now my turn to open the pages and study each letter.
It is my turn to act.

"Heavenly Fire only resides on an alter built from the ground"
It is my turn to build the alter
In order to be able to accept Your Fire.
Thank You my Friend.

Wow Hello!

"She's very kind, and she's got a great sense of humor. Extremely witty. I don't know if this is really important or not, I know you're looking for a date for Motti, but I can just totally see her sitting around the dinner table with his sisters and them getting along great! I mean, they've got very similar senses of humor!"

I was staying with a friend in Crown Heights for the week and this was just part of the routine. To me it was so unusual however. Where I come from people meet at school or at work and introduce themselves to each other and go from there. But in the Jewish world, there are so many people setting up matches left and right whether they know it or not.

"Sarah*!" I exclaim. "Did you understand that you could have just said one word differently, ONE WORD, and the person on the other line (the brother of the possible groom) could have associate a great experience with it and that would make the match before the two ever met? YOU could be the REASON why they get married!"


A couple days later another friend of mine was taping me for a video she's working on. She was interviewing girls and young ladies who recently started lighting Shabbos candles. I had done another video with her a few months ago and was really looking forward to the opportunity to get to share my newly enlighten Jewish experiences with the world. And then as I sat in the chair I thought about how much my words, the things I say, can change another persons life. WOW. I better say the right thing. This is a lot of pressure. After we were done she told me that I should really make sure she gets the videos to me. At first I just kind of brushed off the thought, but then I realized: "She's so right! I can record my whole journey. I've just recenently started to learn. Why not start writing it down now, and ofcoarse a few videos will help".

So now I come to this moment and as I sit and think of what to name this place where I'll be recording my thoughts I find myself trying to relate this situation to one part of an email from a freind I read just hours before. "If only we had a cosmic view of the world - we would see the ripple effect that everything we does has on all of creation." But at the moment, we don't. But to KNOW, how something that I say here, that I write down, can inspire someone else to thrive closer to their potential. At the moment, I have no other expression for this feeling then WOW! Wow because I know that at that exact moment it is not I who is speaking and you who is listening. It is Hashem revealing Himself to anyone open to his Glory. WOW.

I guess for a little background on myself, I've grown up on a secular home. The past 7 - 8 months I have started to learn about my culture and my heritage. From here comes the word Baal Teshuvah. This is the definition I have found: (lit. “master of return”); a person who turns to G d in repentance, after willful or unknowing transgression of the Torah’s commandments; a Jew of secular or not fully observant background who has decided to undertake full Torah observance". I am so far from the full embodiment of that definition. So when you read the title "Baal Teshuvah, and I" think of it as my memoirs on learning the ways of the true masters and my reflection of my journey home.

May the journey be the embodiment of The Essence for each of us, and thank You for allowing me to share my journey with you.